Why are you still single?

People keep asking me why I am still single. I have genuinely resented that question for months and have always responded with an uncomfortable response. I have said things that always made me look like I was difficult to live with or high maintenance, I once told this guy I was on a date with that I had Daddy issues.

After telling someone about my pseudo Daddy issues, I started to realize this could be a fun game. Out at a bar, after being the center of attention on the smoker's sidewalk; a decent looking man sparked up a marlboro light with conversation. He seemed interested while complimenting my sense of humor and asked if he could buy me a drink when we went back inside. I was mildly attracted to him so, it was even a surprise to me when I said, 'You seem like a really nice person and everything but I don't trust men with green eyes.' I paraded back inside to meet my friends and chuckling at my inner monologue. The strange response was just too entertaining to pass up and seemed like a much funnier story than meeting a moderately attractive man who bought me a drink, told me about his job, bored me with banter about his 3 siblings who all attended law school and listened to the timeline on his decision to 'follow his dreams to the city.' You've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times. I mean, this IS New York.

There it started my friends, a continuous cycle of sizing men up and swallowing them whole for the pure fun of a good story. Sitting at Vynl in Chelsea with a friend, having laughs and starting conversation with the tables situated in the general vicinity, I met a group of Aussie men looking for pointers on hotspots for the weekend. One of the men from down under showed interest before telling me how he had been offered a position with his company in NYC. He would be moving here within the next three weeks and wanted to know if I would be willing to show him around, in return he would take me out for fabulous meals involving champagne and decadent desserts. I concurred and we exchanged contact information but, just before I made a clean break and left the possibility open to a future with the man from down under.... I sealed that fate. 'When you call me, please don't forget to leave your name on my voicemail. Sometimes I forget people since I'm usually tanked.'

I guess my thought process is, if these guys that are supposedly interested don't get my dry humor and obnoxious sense of reality, they probably wont last beyond date number three anyway. My game thickened a few short weeks after when the Aussie actually called. I was dumbfounded when I got the message saying, 'Ay there, it's Ben from down unda - call me for drinks this weekend.' I thought, wow... this is amazing. I treated him like he really wasn't worth a damn and basically told him I was an alcoholic but he still wants to hang out. I now want to know how far I can push this with people, all the while being asked why I am single since I seem to be such a great guy. My responses worsened from saying I have a nasty coke addiction to convincing people that I have recently escaped a polygamist commune in Utah, my name is Jed and was unwilling to succumb to my evil sexual desires. As I sipped on a drink containing far too much vodka, I would receive responses asking if I should be drinking while in recovery and the genuine look of concern for the lost puppy. All the while, this has been my entertainment for the night if the gogo boys weren't hot enough to keep my attention.

I started to consider myself a bit of a sociological genius. I have been truly creating experiences for people to pull back together in a hangover haze while I'm completely content with a night out even if the music sucked and the drag performer that particular evening just didn't impress. Then the inevitable happened. I sure did meet my match when I least expected it.

There were no cocktails involved, just a simple afternoon consisting of coffee when I was bombarded by an acquaintance who told me I was full of shit. She, yes a woman, told me I have been creating these scenarios with people because I was bored with people and don't feel as though anyone is quite worthy enough to get to know the real me. She continued by saying I have a sense of entitlement and back handed pretension that people don't generally pick up on unless they are fully aware of themselves in the moment. I mean, what do I say to that? My inner monologue was experiencing a total system failure. I had not one single witty or sarcastic response. My words came out a little something like this, 'Ugggh! You're smart. Things, but...... ew. I think, you're..... you should be a lawyer or something with your trickery. I forgot my scone.'

So there it was, a synopsis of my inner workings as seen by someone playing my very same game. I found myself finally attracted to someone that I both wanted to strangle and make out with. She was infuriating and interesting and all these other words that I couldn't seem to pinpoint. And she was a woman. So, the answer I will now give to people when I am asked the dreaded question, 'Why are you still single?' Because apparently after all this time, I am in love with a woman. That should get some laughs and obvious stamps of disbelief but at least this time, I'll sort of be telling the truth. I am disgusted with myself.