I mean, I am stuck on Long Island. The birthplace of the tacky woman and really shiny rims. We're famous for things like a poisonous cocktail and Amy Fisher, there's really nothing funny about it. I have had to tone down la vida loca because every time I turn around there's another group of roided out Tony's looking at me like I should be ground up into their protein shakes. The worst part is that they are usually really hot, so I cant even hate them. Just the other day I was poppin my booty and singing along to Beyonce on the radio while I was filling up on gas, some woman on the other side of the pump asked me if I was 'enjoying the negative attention.' Obviously I laughed and said, "You should only worry when people give you positive attention." She looked at me for an awkward 10 seconds of confusion and got into her car. As she pulled away and I continued to run the world with Beyonce, I noticed the two young boys in her back seat with their phones pointing at me. I'm saying with certainty that I am on Youtube for every teenage boy to gawk at as part of their douche training. I'm trying to figure out if it's my flamboyant nature combined with being 6'2 and built like a linebacker, or the very apparent looks I give people when I disapprove of their existence that makes the general public either hate me or act like they have spotted a unicorn. Maybe it's both, who knows. Either way it blows my mind that I am 30 miles east (3 hours by car) from the most eclectic city in the world and it feels like I am living in Pennsyltucky.
*Pennsyltucky credit to Sara.
I'm going to send you some "business cards" of mine, I would like you to hand them to said WHORES that feel the need to interrupt your Beyoncé gyration. Let me talk to them, I will gladly explain the fact that you are doing the world a SERVICE unleashing those hips on the community and I will follow-up that explanation by threatening the lives of her loved ones : )
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